BIG BLUE COLLAR

BIG BLUE COLLAR

Manufacturing has taken hard hits in Vermont, and those concerned about the loss of well-paying jobs don’t expect the situation to be turned around by large companies locating major plants here. Encouraging homegrown enterprises is now the primary strategy.
I would like to do my small part in this effort by suggesting such a business, one I think would be well-suited to Vermont traditions. Perhaps some of those former IBM employees singing the Big Blues could get together to engineer the first working-class computer.
Statistics on home computers suggest that non-computer-users are becoming a smaller and smaller minority. But still there are millions who remain intimidated by the digital world--unnecessarily, in my opinion. Restructuring desktop computers to be more working-class-friendly would resolve some of these issues, and bring needed dollars to the Green Mountain State at the same time.
So--what would such a device look like?
To start with, don’t keep miniaturizing and flattening and making computers seem otherworldly. Let them look like TV’s, big and ample TV’s that a family would be proud to own. You could even rename the computer “the intellivision,” and avoid all the bad feelings conjured up by a name reminiscent of difficult days with third grade math teachers.
Next, demystify all this stuff about input and output ports. “Serial” sounds like a killer. “Parallel” could make someone think they should be seeing double. “USB” looks too much like some stock that tanked in the company 401K and postponed everyone’s retirement by five years. “Firewire”--heavens, who thought that one up? Even a kid would know that sounds unsafe.
Instead, put all these beasties in things like look like cigarette lighters and call them highlighters or something. Working people know how to live in their vehicles, and know that once the lighter is out, all sorts of things can be plugged in to inflate tires, take better nighttime pictures of wildlife, and so on. Heck, put in a real cigarette lighter as well.
Which brings us to the problem of that little tray that makes a weird noise and sucks in flat discs that at first don’t seem to do anything then go off like two-dimensional fireworks. The way to make all this seem natural and comfortable is actually pretty obvious: call it the cupholder. Put in a real cupholder, and explain in the manual that there’s one cupholder for you, and one for the computer, and both of you like snacks, and the computer particularly likes these flat cracker-y things, and the way the screen changes shows it’s happy. Which is true enough.
A modem--that sounds like something from a fashion magazine. Just shape it like a tin can with a string coming out the back and everyone will get the idea--as well as not being surprised when the blamed thing doesn’t do what you expected.
The hard drive--good name. Don’t change that one. In fact, you could explain that a more powerful hard drive is just harder, like hard cider is harder than cider. Software, on the other hand, sounds too much like the stuff men don’t know women wear under the things they think they do. “Instruction manuals” should do it for the programs.
But the worst problem may be getting real-life, down-to-earth, no-nonsense people to trust an operating system. That sounds too much like something a crooked poker player or sports bar betting pool might use. Or some sneaky billing practice used by one of those specialist professionals who are always charging working people three-figure sums for go-figure jobs.
Just call it the wife. You wonder where you put something in these heaps of data stuff? The wife knows, ask the wife. Need to get from one place to another? The wife already asked for directions. Something has to be put in order, so it looks good? The wife knows how to do such things. Be on good terms with the wife and everything else will be much, much easier.
So there you have it, tech mavens. May you make a million dollars, and employ a thousand people, and finally bring plain common sense to a world that has as many real mirages as virtual miracles.

Comments

[poker rules]

Maintain a calm deportment when you play even when the game becomes heated. Do not ever give your opponents hints through your gestures and body language about what is going to be your move. Perfect timing is also essential in a poker game.